Poison Ivy

I have poison ivy all over. It's awful. It itches, burns, oozes, bleeds. It keeps showing up in new places. Like on my face. Behind my knee. On my fingers.

I smear prescription cream on it. I slather benadryl gel over it. Calamine lotion. I get mild relief for about 4 minutes.

I've resorted to trying crazy remedies that I read online. Like aiming a hot blow-dryer at it from 4 inches away until it burns. I took a bath in Lemon-fresh Joy. I considered spraying myself with WD-40.

Arghhh!!! I'm mad that, as a grownup, I should have to endure what I always thought was a juvenile malady. Like chicken pox. I've never had it, and I sort of thought I was immune.

Here are some wacky facts about Urushiol Oil, the poison in poison ivy and its kin:

• Only 1 nanogram (billionth of a gram) needed to cause rash
• 1/4 ounce of urushiol is all that is needed to cause a rash in every person on earth
• 500 people could itch from the amount covering the head of a pin
• Specimens of urushiol several centuries old can cause dermatitis in sensitive people
• 1 to 5 years is normal for urushiol oil to stay active on any surface including dead plants

Also note that while I look like a leper ("Unclean! Unclean!"), poison ivy is not contagious, nor does it spread. You breakout where you touch the ivy. It can, however take a while to appear, so that it looks like it's spreading. Or if the urushiol oil is still on your towel or shoes or jacket, it's possible to get a few bonus rashes.

Know, dear readers, that it is even worse than it appears in my picture. If you need any further convincing to pay attention the next time you go tiptoeing through the tulips, check out the Skin Rash Hall of Fame. (Not for the faint-hearted.)